Proud Shark
by jazummeister
Summary: Scary proud shark!


Proud Shark

A Screenplay by jazummeister

 **INT. HAMSTEAD HEATH - AFTERNOON**

Loving shopkeeper LORD JOHN GOBBLE is arguing with splendid detective MS NAOMI BLAST. JOHN tries to hug NAOMI but she shakes him off.

JOHN  
Please Naomi, don't leave me.

NAOMI  
I'm sorry John, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.

JOHN  
I am such a person!

NAOMI frowns.

NAOMI  
I'm sorry, John. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

NAOMI leaves.

JOHN sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, sympathetic swordsman DI JACK KHAN barges in looking flustered.

JOHN  
Goodness, Jack! Is everything okay?

JACK  
I'm afraid not.

JOHN  
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

JACK  
It's ... a shark ... I saw an evil shark thump a bunch of elderly gents!

JOHN  
 _Defenseless_ elderly gents?

JACK  
Yes, defenseless elderly gents!

JOHN  
Bloomin' heck, Jack! We've got to do something.

JACK  
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

JOHN  
You can start by telling me where this happened.

JACK  
I was...

JACK fans himself and begins to wheeze.

JOHN  
Focus Jack, focus! Where did it happen?

JACK  
Sydney Opera House! That's right - Sydney Opera House!

JOHN springs up and begins to run.

 **EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS**

JOHN rushes along the street, followed by JACK. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

 **INT. SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE - SHORTLY AFTER**

ALBERT BUTTERSCOTCH a proud shark terrorises two elderly gents.

JOHN, closely followed by JACK, rushes towards ALBERT, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

JACK  
What is is? What's the matter?

JOHN  
That's not just any old shark, that's Albert Butterscotch!

JACK  
Who's Albert Butterscotch?

JOHN  
Who's Albert Butterscotch? _Who's Albert Butterscotch?_ Only the most proud shark in the universe!

JACK  
Blinkin' knickers, John! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most proud shark in the universe!

JOHN  
You can say that again.

JACK  
Blinkin' knickers, John! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most proud shark in the universe!

JOHN  
I'm going to need arrows, lots of arrows.

Albert turns and sees John and Jack. He grins an evil grin.

ALBERT  
John Gobble, we meet again.

JACK  
You've met?

JOHN  
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

 **EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME**

A young JOHN is sitting in a park listening to some orchestral music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees ALBERT. He takes off his headphones.

ALBERT  
Would you like some fruit gums?

JOHN's eyes light up, but then he studies ALBERT more closely, and looks uneasy.

JOHN  
I don't know, you look kind of proud.

ALBERT  
Me? No. I'm not proud. I'm the least proud shark in the world.

JOHN  
Wait, you're a shark?

JOHN runs away, screaming.

 **INT. SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE - PRESENT DAY**

ALBERT  
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

JACK  
(To JOHN) You ran away?

JOHN  
(To JACK) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

JOHN turns to ALBERT.

JOHN  
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

JOHN runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

JOHN  
I mean, I _am_ running away, but I'll be back - _with arrows_.

ALBERT  
I'm not scared of you.

JOHN  
You should be.

 **INT. SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE - LATER THAT DAY**

JOHN and JACK walk around searching for something.

JOHN  
I feel sure I left my arrows somewhere around here.

JACK  
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly arrows.

JOHN  
You know nothing Jack Khan.

JACK  
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, ALBERT appears, holding a pair of arrows.

ALBERT  
Looking for something?

JACK  
Crikey, John, he's got your arrows.

JOHN  
Tell me something I don't already know!

JACK  
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

JOHN  
I know that already!

JACK  
I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed.

ALBERT  
(appalled) Dude!

While ALBERT is looking at JACK with disgust, JOHN lunges forward and grabs his deadly arrows. He wields them, triumphantly.

JOHN  
Prepare to die, you proud parsnip!

ALBERT  
No please! All I did was thump a bunch of elderly gents!

NAOMI enters, unseen by any of the others.

JOHN  
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those elderly gents were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! John Gobble defender of innocent elderly gents.

ALBERT  
Don't hurt me! Please!

JOHN  
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these arrows on you right away!

ALBERT  
Because John, I am your father.

JOHN looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

JOHN  
No you're not!

ALBERT  
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

ALBERT tries to grab the arrows but JOHN dodges out of the way.

JOHN  
Who's the daddy now? Huh? _Huh?_

Unexpectedly, ALBERT slumps to the ground.

JACK  
Did he just faint?

JOHN  
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly arrows.

JOHN crouches over ALBERT's body.

JACK  
Be careful, John. It could be a trick.

JOHN  
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Albert Butterscotch is dead!

JOHN  
What?

JOHN  
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

JACK claps his hands.

JACK  
So your arrows did save the day, after all.

NAOMI steps forward.

NAOMI  
Is it true? Did you kill the proud shark?

JOHN  
Naomi how long have you been...?

NAOMI puts her arm around JOHN.

NAOMI  
Long enough.

JOHN  
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Albert Butterscotch.

NAOMI  
Then the elderly gents are safe?

JOHN  
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable elderly gents enter, looking relived.

NAOMI  
You are their hero.

The elderly gents bow to JOHN.

JOHN  
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Albert Butterscotch will never thump elderly gents ever again, is enough for me.

NAOMI  
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the elderly gents passes JOHN a healing necklace

NAOMI  
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

JOHN  
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

JOHN  
Well, if you insist.

JOHN takes the necklace.

JOHN  
Thank you.

The elderly gents bow their heads once more, and leave.

JOHN turns to NAOMI.

JOHN  
Does this mean you want me back?

NAOMI  
Oh, John, of course I want you back!

JOHN smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

JOHN  
Well you can't have me.

NAOMI  
 _WHAT?_

JOHN  
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a shark to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

NAOMI  
But...

JOHN  
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Jack.

JACK grins.

NAOMI  
But...

JACK  
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

NAOMI  
John?

JOHN  
I'm sorry Naomi, but I think you _should_ skidaddle.

NAOMI leaves.

JACK turns to JOHN.

JACK  
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

JOHN  
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly JACK stops.

JACK  
When I said I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed, you know I was just trying to distract the shark don't you?

THE END


End file.
